The Punsultancy

So it turns out my dinner guests can tell the difference between ground beef and floor beef.

Damn you, Microsoft Excel. Your buttons are labeled with things that I love. However, they do not provide me with what they promise:

I have clicked on both of these buttons. Yet, I do not have a delicious slice of pie nor am I getting drunk around a bunch of strangers. WHAT THE HELL.

Question: What does the Pope eat on his pancakes?

Answer: Papal syrup.

Do you suppose if a Catholic gets all down and depressed and he feels like there’s nothing he can do that he’s Popeless?

In Italian, the Pope is known as Il Papa. On snowboard, he’s known as Thrill Papa!

With the resurgence of the Swine Flu, I feel it is once again relevant to share the Twitter Pun Storm:

The following puns were made one morning on the popular social networking website Twitter.com.

I was inspired by the depth of pun material in the term “Swine Flu” that I produced the following:

@punsultant @doughamlin *cough* *cough* *swirl* *smell* *sip* #wineflu

@punsultant @doniree @doughamlin or, you know, *cough* *cough* *pickles!* #brineflue

@punsultant *oink* *oink* *smoke* *smoke* #swineflue

@punsultant George Bush was a great president! #swineflew

@punsultant *cough* *cough* *forest* #pineflu

@punsultant @doniree my back is coughing! #spineflu

@punsultant I stepped on this device and all of the sudden I started coughing #mineflu

@punsultant I think my fork is sick. #tineflu

@punsultant as I’ve been waiting here at the bank I’ve developed a cough and a fever. #lineflue

@punsultant OR my cough and fever only exist between two points #lineflu

@punsultant I am sick as an objectivist. #aynflu

@punsultant @MHMorgan if I do work I might get #tryin’flu.

@punsultant your lady doctor is sick #gyn’flu

@punsultant I am sick, but only when I’m lying on my back #supineflu

Which, in turn, inspired many others to make Swine Flu puns of their own:

@maxsparber Argh, I be struggling to catch me breath in the salty deep! #brineflu

@maxsparber @punsultant Funny, I had the same experience waiting to get pork in England #swinequeue

@eigenman @punsultant @zwjohnson I feel awful with this illness… I think I’m going to go lie on my back #supineflu

@eigenman @punsultant fuck I must have missed it while I was sacking Halicarnassus #rapineflu

@eigenman @julielyda @punsultant @zwjohnson but I do so enjoy upsetting you Julie! #malignflu command it in #()flu form and I’ll stop

@eigenman @punsultant @zwjohnson MUCH better #anodineflu

@briannepitt @doniree @punsultant *sniffle* I can’t even afford medication… #declinedflu

@doniree @punsultant @briannepitt *cough* *cough* *moooooooo* #bovineflu

@briannepitt @doniree @punsultant “Bueller… Bueller…” #Steinflu3

@doniree @punsultant @briannepitt *cough* *cough* *meow* *purr* #felineflu

@briannepitt @punsultant *cough* *grumble* *gripe* *sneeze* *exaggerated sigh* #whineflu

@doniree @punsultant I’m a poet and didn’t know it #rhymeflu

@zwjohnson @punsultant it’s not your fork, it’s your food! #dineflu

@chessie @punsultant i got sick because i returned my library books late #fineflu ?

@zwjohnson @eigenman @punsultant I actually feel pretty good #fineflu

@doniree @punsultant *cough* *cough* *river* *europe* #rhineflu

@eigenman @punsultant oh JESUS my hypothalamus just threw up #endocrineflu

I’m sure some swine flu puns have slipped through the cracks. Although, I’m sure you’re already pretty full up on your swine flu pun quota for today.

What do you call a bunch of eggs that resist being eaten?

An ohmlette.

“I sure would hate to ride my bike up this process”